The idea of hurting God is awesome. It’s hard not to get a little nervous thinking that your petty actions have an effect on the Creator of the universe. Most of the time, we protect ourselves from this truth by living a life of spiritual apathy. We go about our daily business without a care in the world, more concerned about our memos and our electric bills and our summer wardrobe than about our holiness. Thank God that you and I aren’t God, because if it were up to us, we’d probably wash our hands of these selfish creatures called human beings. But our God is all loving. And He’s just a thought away, ready to understand us, accept our repentance, and forgive us, no matter what we’ve done.
I was in California a few years ago preparing to give a talk when I decided to take a walk to the ocean. I love the ocean. I am really amazed at what God did when He created it, and when I see His power in the seemingly endless expanse of water and the rushing of the waves, I always like to play a game. On this day I was, as usual, wearing my brown Franciscan habit, and as I passed by the bathers on the beach, I could see that they didn’t know what to make of me. When I got to a good stopping point, I did what I usually do: I stood about twenty or thirty feet from the waterline and called the waves to me. I figured they belong to my Heavenly Father, so I could call them if I wanted to. The sunbathers looked at me as if I were crazy, but I didn’t mind.
“Come on, you can do it!” I called. And I was so surprised when one wave heard me. Suddenly I realized that I was about to be doused by one of the most gigantic waves I had ever seen in my life.
I was so stunned; I couldn’t move. Everybody on the beach was screaming, “Run, run!” but I could not move. My leg brace was firmly entrenched in the sand.
Suddenly, the wave crashed at my feet. My shoes were wet, my brace was wet, even the hem of my habit was wet.
When I looked up, I noticed that a tiny droplet had hit the top of my hand. It was so beautiful. It glistened like a diamond in the sun.
The droplet affected me so deeply with its beauty that I felt unworthy of it, and to my own surprise, as I stood there, I threw it back into the ocean.
My odd little peace was broken when I felt the Lord say to me, “Angelica?”
I said, “Yes, Lord?”
“Did you see that drop?”
I said, “Yes, Lord.”
“That drop is like all of your sins, your weaknesses, your frailties, and your imperfections. And the ocean is like my mercy. If you looked for that drop, could you find it?”
I said, “No, Lord.”
“If you looked and looked, could you find it?”
I said, “No, Lord.”
And then He said to me, ever so quietly, “So why do you keep looking?”
That episode at the ocean taught me a profound lesson. I think all of us fall victim to rehashing our sins and failings, reliving our guilt long after we’ve asked forgiveness. We fail to realize that once God has forgiven us, those sins are gone forever. Our sins disappear in the ocean of God’s mercy. We need not worry about them any longer — they are permanently enveloped in God’s everlasting mercy.
It is hard to work through our guilt, to be repentant, to seek the sacrament of Reconciliation, and then to accept God’s forgiveness fully. Believe me, I know in my heart what you’re going through, and I know what it takes to stick with it. But you must remember that God’s mercy is just as broad and encompassing as His love for you is deep and personal. He’s looking at you — yes, you — right now, and His arms are open wide. If you can give your guilt to God just as you give Him your sins, you will be healed."
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